Milly and The Not Very Secret Admirer

The day after the experience with Fortuna the Farting Horse I was in some considerable discomfort. The magnificent Vilcabamba, obviously set up for such foolish tourist actions by people old enough to know better, has three massage parlours. I was wincing getting onto the table, I'm not going into what happened as she pummelled the buttocks. So on Monday I decided an easy 2 hour walk in the morning would do me the world of good before a spot of light luncheon. Scenery beautiful, weather glorious, map, chocolate (emergency rations), apple and water in rucksack, off I go. I have no sense of direction. I shouldn't be let out alone.

Four hours later, I am ravenous, my arms and my nose are burnt and peeling as I stand there, I'm in the middle of unchartered territory with huge spider webs (visions of Shelob), huge piles of wet dung from who knows what fierce predatorial wild animal (no idea, not being in the presence of a Dunadain northern ranger, unfortunately). I've tried to cross the river, I know I should be on the other side by now, but it's raging and freezing cold, almost knocking me off my feet, and there's nowhere on the other bank to climb up.

I can never resist a 'Rings' moment. I stood there with my huge branch that I tried to use to traverse the river and re-evaluated. I threw it to the ground, and, because I just can't help having the Aragorn fantasy when I'm in woods, riding a horse, on a long trek of any kind really, started quoting, "We travel light. Let's hunt some orc. By my life I will protect you. You have my sword. Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be!"...really it's just endless how long I can go on for. I wish I could remember other more useful things so well...say, for example, spanish verb endings.

I had walked down from high ground, so I stormed uphill through the thick of the trees, bleeding as they were scratching my arms and legs, through sticky webs, insects the size of my hand, and dangerous uneven ground, and then, within 2 minutes was on a road which I recognised from the way up as being about 15 minutes walk along a really easy path to town which even had a coffee and cake shop. Disaster averted. Result.

Anyway..all that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost, from the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renenwed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king. And here comes my favourite Aragorn fantasy ... Stop it now!

So...about that not very secret admirer. The guy who owns the local jewellery store, has taken a bit of a fancy to me. I told him I'm in a long term relationship with a man I love very much. I find that I've lied a few times since I've been away. The 'husband' I invented in a bar in Venice Beach I actually rather liked the sound of myself. He had a touch of the Hugh Jackman about him. It has worked well as a diversionary tactic. The Venice Beach guy did say, "Well if you were my wife I wouldn't let you come away like this." The reply is too obvious to put in print. But it only seemed to register as a challenge to jewellery shop man. After a short evening stroll I returned to my hotel to find he had left an unsigned card of flamingoes in the Galapagos (he had been showing me his snaps in the shop earlier) and a pair of earrings. The hotel manager said I should be very flattered. And DOOOINNNNGGG...you can hear that clash of cultures again ringing out for miles.